Yesterday I went out with a friend. I meet him only once every year. This time we went to Queensbay mall. We had dinner, his treat. I was really glad that I went out with him, all the jokes and talking really made me happy. I once had a crush on him. I know I’ve had a crush on so many people, but like I said, I’m still free, I want to look around and get to know many people. I feel that it’s interesting to go out with them and see what its like. I wonder if they feel the same way. I’ve known him since college but I feel that we’re not that close, he doesn’t talk to me all year, we only meet up when we’re back but we can talk and laugh. Well, after going out with him, I felt really happy. And today, it made me realise one big thing, which is that, all these people whom I’m happy with, I’m happy being with them just they way we are now.

The guy who is so good to me, I don’t know how he feels about me, but I feel that what he’s doing scares me, I feel pressured and I want to run away. I like going out with someone, enjoying each others company, that’s all I want for now. =) So I’m really grateful for yesterday.

He’s still close to the people who made life difficult for me. I’m keeping my distance too. I realised that n*** doesn’t care about me. I don’t think the bear even means anything. Even though a part of me wish it did. I guess, I’m not ready for a relationship, but I like the romance. So if someone would like something from me, I’d be scared.

And each time I think about my ex-bf, I’d feel so sad. I wonder how he could pretend to care when he didn’t. Now he doesn’t even talk to me. I don’t trust people anymore. If they say they care, I’d doubt them to the ends of earth. I want someone who believes me, who really knows me, understand who I am now, and understand that I never meant to do anything bad. How will I ever find that guy? Someone who is willing to know me for who I am? That’s all I want. I just want someone who won’t say nevermind, I don’t mind your past, but someone who knows that I am who I am, and I was who I was, I’ve changed so much. It’s not whether he minds or not. It’s whether he knows I’m different now. I don’t need someone to ‘put up’ with me. I’d like someone who loves me fully.

It’s true and it’s a fact that I was confused and I really hurt some people then. But I’ve changed, now I don’t do such things, and I make it clear that we’re all friends. I make it clear that I go out with many people, we’re all friends. No one is more special. Maybe some are special to me, but if it were to be declared formally, everyone is my friend. That’s all.

Until I find the person who sweeps me off my feet and fulfils those little requirements, I won’t settle for less. =) If you think you’re that wonderful person, do let me know. Because I believe that if you think you can be someone who loves me, no matter who I was, not because you’re putting up with me, but because you need me, you love me, you want to make me happy, and I can make you happy, then let me know. Who knows, I might be feeling the same way about you.

I got my belated birthday present. It was a bear!!! I wonder whether he gives every of his girl friends bears for their birthdays. He’s the one person in this world, whom I feel really  enough to accept things from. He’s such a great friend to have and I cannot deny that when I most needed a friend, he was there. However, at other times, he’s almost never there. I’m glad I met him yesterday. It was fun. Watching the movie and eating. I wish we could have done more together. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love. I don’t know what it is. I don’t believe we can fall in love at first sight, but I also don’t believe that love can suddenly grow. I don’t know how love will be like when i meet it. I’m not in love with I^2 and I’m not in love with n*** either. All I know is that, what I feel for both of them is different from how I feel about other guys. And what I feel for one of them is different from the other. I guess I have a crush on both of them. I feel attracted to their personalities and character.

I’ll never forget my first dance but a dance is but a dance.. and only a dance. The ball was a magical moment which I doubt will repeat itself. But there’s only two people I’d want to go to the dance with, one will not be at the ball this year, and the other wasn’t at the ball last year. I might seem greedy, or crazy. But I know I’m not. I’m not deciding a life partner, I’m just expressing my feelings. I feel something special for them. That’s all.

And not believing that love grows and grows doesn’t make me some evil person like a bastard once said I was. If you love someone, it’s true, you want that person to be a better person. But I believe, if you don’t like something, don’t take it. Don’t pick someone because of a small thing and want them to change for you. I am the way I am. Take it or leave it. Simple as that. Don’t nag me. I hate guys who nag. In fact, I don’t trust males.

But when it’s all said and done, and thinking back about all the things I^2 has done, I realised that no matter how good he was to me, it’s not worth it hoping anymore, he’s not I thought he was anyway. =) I want a guy who cares about me and only me. Yes, I get jealous. I don’t want him glancing at other girls. If I were to commit myself again in the future, I want to be sure that that is the guy I only have eyes for. I used to see only I^2 but it’s time to move on. Moving on doesn’t make a bitch. Hanging on makes me a loser. Don’t hold anyone back. Life is more than this. We have other things to care about. A relationship is like a business sometimes. Some people don’t want certain things. Like some people choose to breakup when they are going to be separated for a long time. It’s their choice. They know what they want and what they need. It’s better than promising each other to hold and then stray. Being together and breaking up is already fated. We have to accept certain things sometimes. =)

No, I’m not depressed. I may be a little down but life goes on. I guess, some things are just never meant to be. I’ll always remember everything. And he’ll be leaving in 6 months anyway. And I’ve realised that there’s someone who cares about me so much and just wants me to be happy no matter who I’m with. He showed me how to be sincere and true. He makes me want to be a better person too. He’s one special guy. I might not be in love with him, but I know, he’s a great friend. I’m really thankful that he came into my life and made everything much better. It lessens the pain by half knowing that even though someone doesn’t care, there are other people who care.

Oh, we can talk alright. We can talk and quarrel and talk and quarrel. Everything is great. =) I’m comfortable and I’m satisfied. All I want is a peaceful life, with someone who understands me. There may not be excitement and I may be bored sometimes, but someone who understands and cares constantly is more important than a moment of excitement. It’s true people say life is counted not by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breaths away.  But to be peaceful and happy everyday, to live everyday, that’s what life is all about too. Live every moment, and live in the present. Just live. I smell the air, feel the heat, the touch, look at the screen, I’m alive. It doesn’t matter that that particular person doesn’t care anymore. I’m living, yes I am. =)

Today I felt intense jealousy, disappointment, and sadness. When I saw him come to uni together with that girl again, I felt like the skies in my world had suddenly darkened. When I came back here on Monday, and all he did was sms to ask if I had reached safely, I didn’t feel upset, I just wondered if he missed me. When he came to uni on Tuesday, I was there but the first person he set eyes on was her. I shouldn’t think so much. She wore his jacket. And today, they came to uni together, and she wore his jacket, and they went for lunch together, she sat beside him all day and only left to take her exams. He did ask me to go to eat but it was just the two of them. And my heart hurt like anything when I said, “I’ll go later”. Then when we were leaving uni and it was raining, they walked together and went aside and share an umbrella. And I felt my chest heavy as a rock. It’s not about jealousy. He’s I^2. Why can’t she share with someone else? That hurt most of all.  They ate dinner together and shared food. True, he did come and talk to me and was concerned, but there are certain things, they might seem small to him but they mean a lot to me.

Only walking me back, and making sure I’m safely home, spending a few minutes with me everyday, is all I need from him to show that he cares. Well, dreams will remain dreams as that will never happen. Today I wondered, instead of sitting around hoping for the person I love to just make the effort, why don’t I love the person making the effort instead? I’m stupid….I really am.

When he first caught my eye, he was a stranger with sparkly eyes and bright smile. He was friendly and after playing basketball with him once, he smiled to me when we met in uni. I didn’t know his name then. Then another week, he introduced himself and I knew his name then. I didn’t know much at all, only his name and that he was from Jakarta, taking Food Science. =) I didn’t really know what food science is all about and until now I don’t know. I don’t even know what engineering is all about. Then I don’t know how as time went by, we became proper friends.

When the semester ended, and there was a break, we both went back to our homes. But still chatted on msn. And I got to know him better from there. And I realised I missed him a little bit. Still, I wanted to wait for time to go by because I’m a kind of person to have a crush on people easily and sometimes, I don’t know whether it’s just a crush or its for real. But as we progressed, I realised that, it was not about having a crush or not. It was about getting to know someone for who they are and accepting them.

I had so much emotional baggage then. I was still thinking of my ex. Still had a crush on someone else and still hating my old self. Now I feel that I have to stop being so harsh to myself because everyone makes mistakes. I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and I feel that I’ve changed a lot. He made me want to be a better person, made me want to change who I was into someone much better. He kept me smiling when things were hard.

He has so many girls around him. I wonder if I could be the one he wants. I daren’t believe it even if he were to pick me. He has so many choices and pretty girls around him. I wonder if it’d be me. Then he hurt his foot and couldn’t play basketball anymore this sem. So I stopped going for basketball too and spent a few thursday nights visiting him and spending time with him instead. Slowly he got better and I guess, we got to know each other even more too.

Now he can walk again. But very slowly. I really admire his courage and I’m proud to have a friend like him. He went to uni even though it was so hard for him to move around. He still smiled and acted cool when it was so horrible to me. I felt like it wasn’t fair that he has to suffer. But I think it changed him, made him a stronger person, it made a man out of him.

And we went to the ball on Friday. And we danced. And when I looked into his eyes, I felt like all the barriers that might have existed just disappeared.

Still, I never felt that I had so much hope as yesterday. Yesterday we went to watch G-Force with some of our friends. Then, I went over to his house. I wanted to spend time with him because I won’t be seeing him till next week. And we looked and pictures and talked. And when his roommate went out, we took pictures together and talked. And it was really nice to just be with him and do nothing else. But when we hugged before I went back to the hostel that night, it was so nice, it was wonderful. Our first hug, really liked it. He’s so warm and nice.

You know, I never thought it could ever be like this. When I first met you, your smile caught my eye but that was it. I didn’t think we’d be friends like now. I didn’t even imagine that I’d be talking to you. You still remember how we became friends, I guess, I still remember all those too. From the day I realised you existed, to those smiles and saying Hi to you when I met you around uni, to introducing ourselves to each other, the day I knew your name, to talking to each other. And also those restaurant city trades, and wonderful moments we’ve had together.

It’s all wonderful. I can’t deny that. I can’t even pretend I feel nothing for you. At first, I remember, it was just a little crush, because I thought you were the most handsome guy I’ve ever met in real life. Maybe you aren’t the most handsome guy, but to me, you are. I felt you were different. Some guys have such strong opinions about certains things and cannot accept someone else having different views but you’re different. All this while, you’ve accepted me for who I am and have never judged. I don’t know if one day you will change, or how devastated I will be if you should leave me one day. You’re a special friend. A really great one. But I know, my feelings for you aren’t really platonic. I feel happy when you say I have “special priviledges” or that you want me.

Remember during mid-sem break, and you had to go to the retreat, I wanted to tell you so much how much I missed you. It wasn’t just those days when you couldn’t come online. It was all those days without you. You were so far. Hours away. Seeing you in person and chatting with you online is so different. It means so much more to me when I see you. When I know you’re here beside me…it’s so different from all the other feelings in this world. But sometimes, I feel like crying when I think of all the differences we have. From religion to language to nationality. I know it’s still too early to think of all those things but don’t you think we should think a little bit anyway? Take into consideration all these factors before letting ourselves get closer and closer. It’s going to be harder to stop everything when we’re already in love. I respect your believes if you’ll respect mine. But I don’t want my believes to come in the way of yours. You deserve a nice girl with the same religion as yours. You deserve someone who can keep your dreams and stands upright.

Most of all, I want you to be happy. I know everything in this world comes with a price. Sometimes we need to put in effort and sometimes we need sacrifice. What’s your price?

I’ve judged people by the sparkle in their eyes and the smile that goes with it. Some have such shiny eyes but the smile on their faces is so cynical, almost a sneer there. Then I wonder, do eyes really show us everything? Life, yes, we can see life in someone’s eyes. We can sometimes see happiness and sadness but, we cannot read someone’s mind through their eyes. Some hide everything so well, some show everything so easily.

Those people, whose eyes are the windows to their soul, are the people who I guess, are really at ease with themselves and have nothing to hide. They live for who they are. They know they have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, just like him. Because the first time I saw him, I’ll always remember, it wasn’t his handsome face, or his wonderful voice, or his singing or anything else but it was that smile, and those eyes. He isn’t the type I’ve liked. I don’t know why but I do know, he caught my eye somehow. His eyes aren’t big, but they have that soothing look, non-judging. His smile was just like any other smile, yet it took my breathe away. It wasn’t important then because I didn’t know him, I didn’t know who he was. Most of all, I didn’t and would never have guess that he would even be my friend today, what more a good friend indeed.

I don’t know what the future holds, I never saw my future in those eyes. I don’t know what I want. Will I fall in love with him? I thought that being kind, tolerant, and forgiving would make a relationship work, but in the end, it still failed. I don’t know what to do with him now. Because my last relationship was such a failure that I’m afraid history will repeat itself, I daren’t go ahead and love anyone right now. I try to protect myself by saying I hate the male species. Maybe I don’t really hate them, more like indifferent. I can have compassion but not attachment. It’s come to a point where I wish my ex happiness, I wish happiness to anyone who cares about me, but I can only apologise right now, because I can’t love in return. Not that kind of love, not now. It’s not that I don’t know when someone cares, but I’ve got to keep my distance. Anyway, true love has a way of sticking itself to us, I believe, and if the love is meant for us, we’ll be together someday somehow and if it’s not,we’ve got to learn to let it go.

Dreams might always be dreams. But that one person who caught my eye with his smile, I can’t say I don’t feel anything. I don’t know if he feels the same, I don’t know much. He’s not the person who’s always there for me, but maybe I don’t wish him to be. Everything’s so confusing right now but I know, the future will show us the answer. And he’ll always be special to me, always.

There were times when I wanted to try something out. I wanted to do what I felt strongly about at that time. But like what usually happens when we follow our feelings too much, we end up wrong. Sometimes we mistaken something small for something bigger than that. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve been judged by people who don’t even know me. But who cares about those people because they mean nothing to me. Even if they hate me, my life doesn’t change. What’s important to me is what the people I care about think and how they feel about me.

Now that I care about someone, I wish I knew what was on his mind. But he doesn’t know about me. Would he judge me too? I daren’t find out. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way. Maybe it’s just myself imagining stuff because I really do like him a lot. Maybe one day it’ll be love but I doubt it now. What would a guy like him see in a girl like me? He has so much in his life. He’s rich. Not with money but with friends and people and feelings. I can see that. He’s special. I’ve never met anyone like that. Maybe it’s not his dream to help other people, to make others happier. Maybe his dreams aren’t the same as mine but that doesn’t make him a bad person. But I’ve only known him for two months, there’s still a long way to go. He tells me things but I guess he tells his other friends those stuff too. But when I saw his pictures with another girl, I guess, it really got to me. It hit me right in the face and I guess, maybe he never liked me. I imagined he did but he didn’t. We’re just friends I guess. So..I should let go and move on if that’s true. He’s nice to everyone, not just me. I guess I’m just a normal friend to him after all.

We’re all different. There are no two same people in this world. But there are people who judge more and some who judge less. I guess at the end of the day, I’d go for someone who’d judge less, someone who can see that everyone has their own obstacles, own mistakes and own regrets. Someone who understands that humans are not perfect, everyone makes mistakes and everyone is irresponsible at one time or other but we all are trying our best to fit in.